A walk with solitude - Laila banu

The morning light was yet to reach the room where we were sleeping, but the familiar voices of my friends, whom I had not seen for days, reached my ears. Nirmal and Ilakkiya. Nirmal’s voice, which was always filled with subtle energy, caught my attention first. I did not bother to open my eyes but listened to what they were speaking about. They were discussing the water problem in the restroom. I opened my eyes and sat up while the windows shined blue. Then Sibi told us that they had asked someone to switch on the motor. It was only 18 kms today, and we started to get ready slowly. We packed our luggage and took our raincoats with us. The sky was cloudy and pleasant, a state where there was neither sun nor rain. We met fewer people, but there was an expanse of open fields. We nine members walked along the narrow roads towards Septankulam.

Today’s walk was different from the couple of weeks prior. Nine members walking together. In this walking trail, I am the one who walked behind everyone. As usual, today I walked alone and in silence. Ilakkiya turned around, who was walking three steps before me with Nirmal. “Why are you silent?” she asked. I replied, “Why not? Do we need to chat?” She replied with a slight smile, “It’s not wrong to talk.”

Today, I talked and joked a lot with my friends, which made me forget the walk. It was good, but also not better than my other days. This made me question my walk on previous days. There was a huge difference between both. Until yesterday, my walk was filled with silence, where I was averse to talking with my friends or even using my phone. My mind was blank, where my past and present were muted. I thought I had become an idle or lazy person. But after some thought, I realised I was in a flow state, where the walk itself became a self-sustained activity. Except for speaking with people about honesty voting, I could not put effort into any other things.

My eating portion had reduced these days; even when I ate my favourite food, I did not feel the cravings I had before walking. So I came to a conclusion: a flow state is like stripping the noise from external stimuli. The vast expanse of fields and the sound of road vehicles narrowed down to my rhythmic footsteps. The hundreds of faces turning towards my “Our vote not for sale” board happened as I predicted every time I encountered a new face. Their movement of lips turned into soundless words in my mind as they drove past us. Their micro expressions and their unconscious slowing of vehicles made me hyper-aware of the change in their thoughts.

I was happier with my friends, a great experience in a sense, but I lost the held silence today.

Why was there a gripping silence when we do a task in solitude? The silence was not out of boredom or hate, but it was like something born out of restraint.

Can a person sustain on a single repetitive task? Then what is the difference between a colourful experience and a so-called bland one? As I neared the stay, my mind started to fill with these questions.

Lailabanu